Klitschko (with a Wink): Can't We All Just Pretend That Never Happened?

Despite being on HBO, as witnessed live by millions of viewers worldwide, Wladimir Klitschko wants us all to believe that really wasn't him in the ring against Lamon Brewster on April 10th at the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas.

The hulking heavyweight from Kazakhstan has appealed to the WBO to leave his No. 1 ranking intact, despite the loss to Brewster. In the letter written by his lawyers, Klitschko claims he should maintain his ranking until a medical exam reveals what happened. While I may be no doctor, what happened is, he lost.

The thought of such an appeal is appalling and, if successful, could start an avalanche of protests, appeals and petitions dating back to David's upset of Goliath at similar odds.

Lawyers representing Goliath and his family of Giants proceed:

"Sir. First and foremost, Team Goliath was unaware that our opponent would have God on his side, and while the odds favored our side in a one-on-one battle you will have to admit that revelation tipped the scales decidedly in David's favor. Secondly, who knew David would be slinging a rock? We simply were not prepared nor trained for that type of altercation. Finally, the impact of the rock being slung through the air and crushing Goliath on his noggin created a loss of equilibrium, which caused Goliath to fall and suffer further injury upon impact with the ground. Medical reports would substantiate that it was the injuries occurred in the fall, not the initial blow of the rock to the forehead of the giant, which rendered Goliath unable to continue. That, and David's subsequent stabbing and cutting off of the Giant's head, of course.

Therefore, it is our belief that the family of giants should reclaim their position on the cliff upon which the Philistine armies camped out and should continue wreaking havoc amongst the army of King Saul . . . if we can determine exactly where in Israel that might be today and assuming the army remains."

Umm . . . no. History will not be changed and let's hope the WBO concurs. If not, perhaps Wladimir will try to reinstate his record as perfect through a series of similar petitions.

Heck, whatever the medical reason for his collapse to Brewster, the same defense could be used for his fatigue-induced loss to Ross Puritty back in 1998. Klitschko was winning that fight as well, but punched himself out and was unable to continue, and lost. With one precedent set, Wladimir could erase two of three losses from his resume with the same alibi.

They'll follow up by blaming the four knockdown loss to Corrie Sanders on an upset stomach with bad sauerkraut being tabbed the culprit and then skyrocket to the top of every governing body rankings. Until Andrew Golota gets wind of this, of course.

'Ignorance of the law' will be Golota's defense, and you simply cannot penalize Golota for his two 'low blow' losses if he didn't realize he was actually hitting low. That and the language barrier have the big Pole back at the head of the pack - as if Don King couldn't do that on his own. His loss when he quit against Mike Tyson has already been reduced to a 'No Contest,' thanks to Tyson having cloudy pee after the fight. Against Michael Grant he swears, your honor, that he thought he had won the fight when Grant was knocked down for the second time in the first round. It was over, wasn't it?

Maybe the medical exam of Wladimir Klitschko will determine that his body is simply too big to lug around the ring for a man with such a small heart. They will explain how his heart is not proportionate to his body and therefore cannot pump the required amount of blood to his organs to sustain a possible 36 minutes of championship boxing.

Perhaps, but we all know the problem with his heart goes deeper than that.