A Few More Rounds

It ain't right.

Two men, with more in common than they realize, faced life-changing crossroads over the weekend. One pulled through safely. The other crashed and burned.

Damned if the wrong guy didn't make it.

Mike Tyson quit on his stool this weekend, ending his career with a whimper. We've said it was over for him in the past, when he lost to Lennox Lewis in 2002 and again when Danny Williams stunned us last summer. But this must be the end. No way, no how Tyson emerges from the wreckage this time.

Many thought the same Monday afternoon about Michael Jackson, when word came down the jury had reached a verdict in the King of Pop's child molestation trail. Silly us. He beat the charges again and returned to Neverland Ranch.

Whoever would've thought Kevin McBride was more potent than Jesus Juice?

Mike and Michael are 1980s icons, symbolic of a time when the only thing easier than amassing a fortune was freefalling from the throne. They were man-child stars who developed the same sort of fanbases, comprised of delusional worshippers who remember the long-lost glory and readily dismiss all the ugliness in hopes the decades-old fantasies will defy age and resurrect themselves.

But they have even more in common than that:

* Tyson used to be known as Kid Dynamite. For Jackson, little visitors apparently are kid kryptonite.

* Don King promoted them both. The Victory Tour was supposed to return the Jackson family to prominence behind Michael's "Thriller" success, but the concerts mostly flopped. King also tried to restore the post-prison Tyson -- he was convicted of rape in Jackson's home state of Indiana -- to Baddest Man of the Planet fame, but we all know how that turned out.

* Both Jackson and Tyson have claimed financial hardship, although Joe Jerkwater can't understand how one still lives in an amusement-park compound and the other just made a $420,000 down payment on a $2.1 million home near Phoenix.

* Tyson threw in the towel on Saturday. A couple years ago Jackson nearly dropped Blanket from a balcony.

* Each seems fond of sham marriages. Jackson wed Lisa Marie Presley, who looked as though she was going to vomit in his mouth every time he forced his man-made lips on her. Tyson was suckered in by Robin Givens and later married Dr. Monica Turner, yet made no apologies of his affinity for strippers.

* Both have spent lavishly on such exotic pets as lions, tigers, elephants, giraffes and Emmanuel Lewis.

* Tyson once threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' non-existent children and told a group of reporters he would like to stomp on their children's testicles. There's a Jackson analogy there, but let's drop it.

Tyson said after Lewis knocked him out that he just might "fade into bolivian." But there was justification in losing to Lewis, one of history's most underrated heavyweight champions. An injured knee provided just as much rationalization for Tyson after Williams stopped him last year.

But there was no excuse to be found in losing to Kevin McBride, an opponent so pedestrian he had to look both ways before leaving his corner for prefight instructions.

''I'm not interested in fighting no more," Tyson said. "I can't beat Father Time. I don't have the desire to do this stuff anymore.

"I don't want to take anything away from Kevin. He fought a great fight. But we all know his resume. If I can't beat him, I can't beat Junior Jones."

Tyson, based on recent interviews, genuinely seems to have turned the corner as an adult. Nevertheless in the sixth round he resorted to his old dastardly tricks once it became clear he couldn't beat McBride on rusted skill alone.

A Tyson headbutt opened above McBride's left eye a gash that required 15 stitches. Tyson twisted McBride's arm during clinches. Tyson hit below the belt.

The old vampire also tried something new.

"He bit my nipple!" McBride has been quoted in the British press. "I didn’t realize it at first, but he had his teeth around it. I just felt a strange sensation and then realized what he’d done. He could not get up high enough to bite my ears. Good job he wasn’t a midget - otherwise he would have bitten something else!"

Please, people. I know you're working on another Jackson analogy. But let's move on.

"Tyson butted me, tried to break my arm," McBride continued. "He smashed my face with his forearm, but I said to him, ‘Is that all you have, Mike?'"

So, at age 38, Tyson's once-meteoric career was snuffed like a birthday candle, while Jackson, who once did a fine impression of a matchstick while filming a Pepsi commercial, will write more smarmy songs.

I, for one, will miss Tyson.

It's easy to pile on the bastard, but boxing would have been so much better had he been able to climb the ranks for one more kick at the can. Had he kept winning, he could have made a load of cash with a world tour in places where he still has a rabid following, say, China or Japan or Germany. You know, the same countries that still go wild for Jackson.

Farewell, Mike. I pray you find peace in bolivian.

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ANOTHER LETDOWN: I anticipate being similarly disappointed June 25, when Arturo Gatti and Floyd Mayweather tussle for the WBC junior welterweight belt.

As much as I'll be pulling for Gatti, one of my all-time favorite brawlers, to knock some humility into one of my least favorite fighters, I don't think he has a shot. Of course, I'm 1-4 in my most recent Sweet Science predictions, so at least Thunder has that going for him.

If you plan on going to Atlantic City for Mayweather-Gatti, be careful. The crowd might be a volatile one in Boardwalk Hall. These fighters attract dichotomous groups of hardcore fans, and things could turn ugly when one faction doesn't get the result it wants.

CONVERSELY: As much as I'm interested in this Saturday's rematch between Glen Johnson and Antonio Tarver in Memphis, I don't give a flip who wins. They're both great guys who deserve to be champs.

JAGGED EDGES: Almazbek Raiymkulov is aptly labeled. His surname, according to Top Rank, translates into English as "Rough Diamond," alas the promotional company's attempt to have the media and fans go with the cool throwback nickname Kid Diamond rather than stumble over the alternative.

In watching Kid Diamond lunge around the ring during his draw with the aging Joel Casamayor, it's clear this prospect lacks polish. Kid Diamond looked amateurish at times and exposed himself far too often. His carat weight might turn out to be impressive, but his skills need significant chiseling before he can be considered marquee material.

LET'S GO BUFFALO: Please allow me to be insular for a moment. As the boxing writer for The Buffalo News I have come to know the remarkable history of a great fight town. The recent travails of former heavyweight contender Joe Mesi aside, I hope the city can somehow locate at least a semblance of that former glory.

There's one legendary Buffalo boxer who hasn't gotten his due, and given last week's inductions at the International Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota, N.Y. (about a three-hour drive from Buffalo down the Thruway), I want to resubmit the late Jimmy Slattery, two-time light heavyweight champ.

Slattery, who fought from 1921-35, would qualify for the old-timer category. He went 111-14-0 with 48 KOs, and held his own against future Hall of Famers, battling seven of them to a 6-8 mark. He was 4-3 against Maxie Rosenbloom, whom Slattery won his first title from in 1927.

If Bobby Chacon belongs in the Hall, then Slattery certainly does.

BURNING QUESTIONS: If you had a gun to your head and were forced to choose between them, who would you rather baby-sit your children for one night, Mike Tyson or Michael Jackson?

How big of an F-bomb did Shelly Finkel drop when Tyson didn't get off his stool at the start of the seventh round?

Will the Mississippi commission actually be foolish enough to approve Ann Wolfe's proposed fight against a male opponent?

MORON OF THE WEEK: The word "moron" doesn't go far enough in this disgusting case. Former WBA flyweight champ and Olympian Eric Morel copped a plea for his role in the group sexual assault of an unconscious 15-year-old girl in Wisconsin.

Morel's previous plea was not guilty, and he would have faced 30 years in prison. But the Dane County District Attorney agreed to not pursue jail time in exchange for the plea change. Morel's brother and half-brother also were charged with second-degree sexual assault of a child.

QUOTEMARKS: "I don't have the stomach for this anymore. I most likely won't fight anymore. I'm not going to disrespect the sport by losing to this caliber of fighters." -- Mike Tyson after losing to Kevin McBride

"It’s a pretty horrific situation. I don’t know if I’m capable of doing any missionary work without being killed." -- Tyson on one of his postfight career options

"Tyson intimidated people and already had them beaten, but without that, he didn't have anything. He was the best in his era, but in the '70s you wouldn't have heard of him." -- Earnie Shavers

"She was cowering in the corner. Damn, I tore her up. People are not used to seeing me hit my opponent like that." -- Laila Ali after stopping Erin Toughill

"The fight's not over. This can't continue the way it is. They're going to have to let me box." -- Suspended heavyweight Joe Mesi after the Nevada State Athletic Commission denied his request to let him fight again

"It is the job of your handlers and your trainers to protect you. Maybe, at the end of the day, it's the job of this commission to throw in the towel for you when nobody else will." -- Nevada commissioner Dr. Tony Alamo to Mesi