The 13th Round

 The recent proposal on the part of an Atlantic City councilman to name a street after promoter Don King was met with a firestorm of opposition, to the point where it was summarily rejected by the rest of the city council.

I say – bravo! But not because King isn't entitled to such an tribute. In Atlantic City, anything goes, right? But if we are going to honor him, we simply can't leave out the dozens of other people who have made their own unique “contribution”, as it were, to the landscape of boxing – seen strictly through the eyes of “Operation Cleanup”, of course.

There are enough streets in A.C. to go around, and enough personalities to where we can fill out a virtual Monopoly board full of thoroughfares.

Come along with me for a tour of the city – I'm sure you'll understand there's a highway or byway to fit every description, and every taste (please excuse the inside jokes):

Lou DiBella Avenue — After two years of insisting it was a “street”, this road finally admits – it's an “avenue”.

Bernard Hopkins Boulevard — On this block, there's just no activity whatsoever.

Jack Kerns Drive — You can go on this road, but you may not get off it alive.

Thomas Williams Avenue — This street has an unusual strip mall — seven shops that sell nothing but diving gear.

Max Kellerman Lane — The noisiest street in the city, but no one seems to be going anywhere. Oh – and don't spit on the sidewalk.

Laurence Cole Avenue — On this road, your insurance absolutely isn't valid.

Russell Peltz Place — You've got to agree to give up at least 50% of your car before getting through.

Roy Jones Expressway — What else – no speed limit.

Mike Tyson Terrace — Naturally, you just can't get on this street – between all the cars in Mike's collection, there simply isn't any room. Who'd want to go down this road anyway?

Dr. Michael Schwartz Way — By all means, don't get into an accident here. You're liable to be treated for internal injuries by a dental assistant.

Michael Buffer Avenue — This street's in a tough neighborhood. You better be ready to…….well, you know.

Greg Sirb Circle — If you get a ticket on this block, you can always get it fixed – just keep it hush-hush.

Bjorn Rebney Boulevard — Put your high-beams on – this road is completely blacked out.

Richie Melito Road — People are laying down, left and right.

Slammin' Sammy Avenue — DUI's are permitted.

Sugar Ray Leonard Road — Lock your car. Take your keys. And hold on to your money.

Nancy Black Place — No one knows what's going on here at any time. Nor do they know why. Nor do they care.

Shelly Finkel Street — Pretty unique – you can be an amateur when you get on this road, and leave it feeling just like a pro.

Fight Fax Terrace — This requires a $9 toll, whether you travel one inch or three miles.

Tim Lueckenhoff Lane — Actually, no one's ever been allowed to see this road.

Calvin Davis Avenue — Lots of traffic…, trafficking.

Christy Martin Drive — This street looks brand-new after they fixed all the potholes. Oh, you mean THAT'S where her $300,000 went?

Ward-Gatti Way — This goddamn street is all banged up.

Mat Tinley Place — Can't go on this road – it's buried in three feet of red ink.

Greg Page Parkway — Yeah, this is the road where Jack Kerns gets in his car, drives a couple of miles, makes a left, and goes straight to frigging hell.

Nicolai Valuev Road — Steep upgrades. Ends at the top of a hill – and the air is rare up there.

Butterbean Boulevard — See Richie Melito Road.

Joe Calzaghe Court — Of course, you've got to drive on the left side of the street.

Bob Arum Avenue — Can't figure it out – all the street signs are in Spanish.

Bernard Kerik Trail — It's safe here – no one ever shows up.

Brad Jacobs Street — Slippery. Very, very slippery.

Frank Warren Lane — Clearance 4'11″.

Flat Top Street — Famous residents include Rosie Ruiz, Sidd Finch, Alan Smithee. Keep an eye out for viruses.

Darius Michalczewski Drive — Actually, never mind. Nothing of his can ever leave Germany.

Tonya Harding Terrace — Best place to get your tires slashed. Move at your own risk.

Oscar De la Hoya Plaza — Paved with gold, of course.

Ken Nahigian Way — This street goes absolutely nowhere in particular.

John McCain Boulevard — He's going to reform this street if it's the last frivolous thing he ever does.

Michael Stewart Road — Yes, joke.

Ike Ibeabuchi Avenue — Go straight to jail. Do not pass “Go”.

St. Charles Jay Place — Simply a minor adjustment.

Okay, after all that I give up. Let's go back to……..

Don King Boulevard — You could tell this street pretty easily; it's the one you can't travel on unless you give up three options.

Copyright 2002 Total Action Inc.