THOMAS HAUSER FOR TSS: More Flights of Fancy

BY The Sweet Science ON December 13, 2010
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WBC president Jose Sulaiman announced today that the WBC has decided to sanction the 2011 Super Bowl.

“This was a very wise decision that has been made by our board of governors,” Sulaiman told TheSweetScience.com. “The Super Bowl is the biggest event in football and the WBC is the biggest name in boxing. The next Super Bowl will be paid – excuse me, I meant to say played – in Cowboys Stadium on February 6th. Now, we will put the WBC and the Super Bowl together, and a coveted green belt will be given to each member of the winning team.”

“This will be for the good of boxing and for the good of football,” Sulaiman added. “For this reason, we have decided to cut the sanctioning fee that we will ask of the NFL from our normal three percent to a flat fee of three million pesos. It is my dream that, someday, the baseball World Series, the Masters tournament in golf, the Indianapolis 500 automobile race, and all other great sporting events will take place under the supervision of the WBC. Perhaps someday at the Olympics, each winner will be given a green belt instead of a gold medal. I know that the Olympic athletes would like that.”

*     *     *

WBC president Jose Sulaiman announced today that Julio Cesar Chavez Jr will fight Mexican legend Erik Morales in February for the WBC heavyweight championship at a catchweight of 161 pounds.

“The WBC Board of Governors has decided to return Vitali Klitschko to his status as heavyweight champion emeritus,” Sulaiman told a news conference in Mexico City. “To be the WBC heavyweight champion emeritus is one of the greatest honors in boxing. This means that the WBC heavyweight championship is now vacant. The WBC championship committee in its wisdom has decided that Chavez and Morales should fight for the coveted green belt. For the first time in history, whoever wins, the heavyweight champion of the world will be from Mexico.”

During a question-and-answer session following the announcement, a reporter questioned why Chavez and Morales were fighting for the WBC heavyweight championship, given the fact that Chavez has never fought above 160 pounds and Morales has fought above 135 pounds only twice in his life.

In response, Sulaiman declared, “Manny Pacquiao and Antonio Margarito fought for the WBC 154-pound championship and neither man was allowed to weigh-in above 150 pounds. Sergio Martinez and Paul Williams fought for the WBC 160-pound championship and neither man was allowed to weigh-in above 158 pounds. This is the same principle, and I am a man of principle.”

*     *     *

The WBC board of governors announced today that WBC president Jose Sulaiman has been given the additional titles of Super-President, Super-Duper President, Silver President, Gold President, Platinum President, Diamond President, President Emeritus, and President for Life.

“They also offered to make me Interim President,” Sulaiman acknowledged. “But interim I do not like.”

*     *     *

WBC president Jose Sulaiman announced today that the World Boxing Council has a new weight division.

“This is a very good day for boxing,” Sulaiman told a media gathering in Mexico City. “I have devoted my life to making boxing a fair sport. But the way the sport is now, some fighters are at a disadvantage because they are really light-heavyweights but, because they weigh over two hundred pounds, they are forced to fight heavyweights. This is not fair. To fix this injustice, the WBC will now have a Fatso Division.”

The WBC “fatso division” will be open to all fighters who weigh more than two hundred pounds and have a body-fat percentage of thirty percent or more.

“Once everything is in place,” Sulaiman elaborated, “the WBC will have a fatso champion, an interim fatso champion, and a super-fatso champion.”
James Toney has been designated as the WBC fatso champion emeritus.

*     *     *

The NCAA announced today that it has decided to scrap its tradition elimination-tournament format and adopt a modified Showtime “Super Six” model for its Men’s Championship Basketball Tournament.

“March Madness has gotten tired,” NCAA president Mark Emmert told TheSweetScience.com. “Initially, we planned to expand the tournament to sixty-eight teams with four play-in games that would narrow the field to sixty-four. Then we looked at what Ken Hershman has done at Showtime and decided, if it’s good enough for boxing, it’s good enough for us.”

Under the new formula, seventy teams will be invited to the tournament. The Atlantic Coast Conference champion will be excluded because neither Duke nor North Carolina is promoted by Gary Shaw. The seventy teams will play each other in a partial round-robin schedule with UCLA refusing to play in any game that isn’t scheduled for Pauly Pavilion in Westwood. Teams will drop out of the tournament as their star players flunk out of college or leave school to join the NBA.

“If things get too complicated,” Emmert explained, “we’ll just ignore the schedule and go right to the Final Four. I have no idea how the Final Four will be chosen, but we’ll think of something.”

“And there will be other changes,” Emmert added. “Under our new format, a team will be able to skip the first few rounds of the tournament, come in as a late entry, and, if it wins one game big, still make the Final Four. Or maybe we’ll just have a Final Three. I don’t know when we’ll crown a champion, but I think it will be sometime in 2013.”


Thomas Hauser can be reached by email at thauser@rcn.com. He notes that satire is the use of irony and humor to expose folly.

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